happy thanksgiving!

too ridiculous not to share:

Hi Diana,

I hope you are having fun this Thanksgiving day gorging on all the yummy food.

Remember to wipe your mouth after you eat so not to get gravy and niu rou mien sauce all over your face. I have attached a pictorial as reference.

Also make sure to keep pants buttoned after food consumption.

Cheers,

Louie

2 am stress relief

i had three decomposing bananas and a head full o' troubles. what else is a girl to do?

the gospel according to brian

so tom informs me that some dude asked bri, "are you chinese?"

brian, poor misguided soul he is, said, "i'm taiwanese."

homeboy responded with: "oh, so you want to talk politics?"

HA fucking brill! who is this guy? can i marry him? i'm so gonna use that line from now on! oh, if only you knew the gauntlet i had to go through while having dinner with brian's parents down in the dirt mcmurt souf....

location: hakka restaurant in kaoshiung

brianmom: "diana, do you speak taiwanese?"

diana: "uhh....ji diamma?"

briandad: (shaking head, sighing) "she doesn't speak taiwanese."

ten minutes later....

briandad: "so, diana, have you been to kaoshiung before?"

diana: (brightly) "no, but i've been most other places...mm...like 墾丁，花蓮，臺中..."

briandad: "ahh, you see, taiwanese people. they have been all over the world but have never to the south of the island."

diana: (weeps silently into her rice)

brian: "this fish is delicious!"

ok, so the last line is fiction. but the rest of the dinner pretty much went along those lines. not that i'm complaining, brian's rents are great and they took us out to a great meal but daaaaammmmnnnn homie i'm not even dating this motherfucker and i get the full brunt of nativist force. brian, if you are reading this, next time you're eating dinner with my mom, and oh yes, you've never experienced deep blue until you've talked politics with 顏 "i eat motherfucking green legislators for breakfast" 靜芝 and 林"i will crush the living breath out of any card carrying dpp member" 明祥.

open letter to mother

dear mom:

please stop trying to set me up with

a) boys who look like girls

b) boys who speak engrish

c) boys whom you have never met

d) chris chen

much love,

your beleaguered daughter.