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too ridiculous not to share:
Hi Diana,
I hope you are having fun this Thanksgiving day gorging on all the yummy food.
Remember to wipe your mouth after you eat so not to get gravy and niu rou mien sauce all over your face. I have attached a pictorial as reference.
Also make sure to keep pants buttoned after food consumption.
Cheers,
Louie
i had three decomposing bananas and a head full o' troubles. what else is a girl to do?
so tom informs me that some dude asked bri, "are you chinese?"
brian, poor misguided soul he is, said, "i'm taiwanese."
homeboy responded with: "oh, so you want to talk politics?"
HA fucking brill! who is this guy? can i marry him? i'm so gonna use that line from now on! oh, if only you knew the gauntlet i had to go through while having dinner with brian's parents down in the dirt mcmurt souf....
location: hakka restaurant in kaoshiung
brianmom: "diana, do you speak taiwanese?"
diana: "uhh....ji diamma?"
briandad: (shaking head, sighing) "she doesn't speak taiwanese."
ten minutes later....
briandad: "so, diana, have you been to kaoshiung before?"
diana: (brightly) "no, but i've been most other places...mm...like 墾丁，花蓮，臺中..."
briandad: "ahh, you see, taiwanese people. they have been all over the world but have never to the south of the island."
diana: (weeps silently into her rice)
brian: "this fish is delicious!"
ok, so the last line is fiction. but the rest of the dinner pretty much went along those lines. not that i'm complaining, brian's rents are great and they took us out to a great meal but daaaaammmmnnnn homie i'm not even dating this motherfucker and i get the full brunt of nativist force. brian, if you are reading this, next time you're eating dinner with my mom, and oh yes, you've never experienced deep blue until you've talked politics with 顏 "i eat motherfucking green legislators for breakfast" 靜芝 and 林"i will crush the living breath out of any card carrying dpp member" 明祥.
dear mom:
please stop trying to set me up with
a) boys who look like girls
b) boys who speak engrish
c) boys whom you have never met
d) chris chen
much love,
your beleaguered daughter.
we
are
not
fans
of
this
one
i was looking through my subscriptions in google reader today when i came across an entry in amy sol's blog about her feature in juxtapoz magazine. i did a double take. i could have sworn i'd seen the exact same spread, except with audrey kawasaki. sometimes i wonder if they're the same person...they curate each other's works, they exhibit at the same places, they give similarly whimsical answers.
and does juxtapoz do wildlife spreads with all their featured artists, or just the two little asian girls who have eerily reflective lives?
-
i haven't blogged in a long time, i realize, but sometimes i feel like life is moving too quickly for my fingers to keep up with. orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr it could just be that my add forbids me to dwell on any single event in my life long enough to write about it.
anyway, in new york now. life here is hectic but fun. some day i will do a big east vs west throwdown, but not today. good night!
♥
saw these on jezebel the other day and i laughed my ass off....
this one's thought bubble says:
"Oh god. I just spent three quarters of my day licking myself. I just sit here, with a bowl of water, some toys and my urges – lonely one minute and satisfied the next. Such a wicked paradox. I need to get out. I need to meet people. But I’m happy this way. It feels good. So good. But my crotch shouldn’t define me. Was it the way I was raised? Did my dad bury his face in his crotch for hours on end? Not dad. I never smelt it on his breath. Well maybe once, but I can’t be sure that was crotch. The guy ate garbage like it was going out of style. But really, some pages are better left unturned. Am I the only one? I doubt it. That Rottweiler probably treats his nether regions like a buffet. Look at me. I’m justifying my lack of discipline by making up stories about other dogs I don’t even know. I need a drink. Then I need to lick my crotch. More like want. Is that selfish? Self-pleasuring myself for half a day? Screw it. I’m going in. If my owner could do it, he would. So it’s perfectly natural. Isn’t it? I need a distraction. That ball looks okay. Oh crap. I need something new. Something that doesn’t involve my crotch. It’s all I’ve got. My walker’s cool, but I can’t lick his crotch. It’s gonna take everything I’ve got to make it through the night. Just one night."
this one's outta control:
"Should I sniff her butt? Will she mind if I sniff her butt? What will it say about me if I sniff his butt? Maybe I’m gay? Should I question sniffing butts so much? Do other dogs sniff as many butts as I do? How many butts have I sniffed this week? I’m guessing it’s a lot if I’m questioning it so much. I love sniffing butts. I need to sniff one right now. There aren’t any around. I have to get a hold of myself. Who am I kidding? I need a butt and I need it now. Now. Good god. Am I living a life that’s guided by butt sniffing? I am. My parent’s warned me. I didn’t listen. Like a cheap tramp. A whore. I’m a butt-sniffing whore. What if I tried to cut down? Nothing heavy. Just a few sniffs a day. I can do that. I know I can. I’ve done it before. But do I really want to? I mean, that’s what we do. We sniff butts. No one looks down on me for it. There was that guy who gave me a look while I was in mid-sniff. Who is he to judge me for sniffing a butt? Maybe I’m just being paranoid. I get like that when I haven’t sniffed a butt. I’ll stop cold turkey. But not now. The fever’s too strong. A wiff will get me through the night. Just one, heartfelt inhale of the poodle across the street and I’ll be satisfied. I love how she resists at first and then sticks it out with reckless abandon. What a slut. Wait. Why is she a slut? I’m the one going in there. That coy little look she gives me when she walks down the street. Oh, I’m sniffing that butt. Count on it."
