epiphany

today i had lunch with a mildly psychotic woman who is my mom's friend from church. she is also our life insurance agent. this woman has a habit of shouting "感謝主!!" loudly in the midst of sentences. when this happens i cannot but stare at her awkwardly because, i mean, what can you say to that?

this woman - let us call her betty - is one of the multitude of friends of my mother who wishes me to be wed to her son, who, at thirty, is apparently incapable of kindling a romance of his own. then again, guys from my church do oftentimes seem socially deficient.

but you know what, betty's son happens to be Jesus.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - JUST KIDDING! he's not Jesus! just a very sanctified guy who is patient, cooks, loves Jesus, the Bible, and who is seeking the Truth.

"well, auntie betty, i generally don't like guys from my church," i informed her politely over sauerkraut hotpot.
"why not??????" she shouted.
"i find them too conservative."
"my son is not conservative! he is simply seeking the Truth! and True Love!"

this conversation was carried in chinese, and i could see the words capitalized when i translated it in my head. before the meal, throughout the meal, after the meal, at coffee and briefly afterwards, she continued to subtly hint that i should immediately marry her son.

"diana, do you have a boyfriend? will you be going to europe anytime soon? you should visit the saints (ppl from our church) in europe! and my son! you should visit my son! my son is really great! he cooks!"

"oh diana, i love looking at you! you have such a beautiful forehead! i wish my son could meet you! oh how can i get you two young people to meet?"

i scratched nervously around the vesuvian pimple that had erupted on my forehead two days ago and that was refusing to either diminish or altogether vanish.

"diana, you DRAW? AND you write? you are so wonderful! so talented! just like your mother!"

it was then i suddenly realized that what betty really wanted was not for me to marry her son. that was inconsequential. or rather, that was means to an end. she couldnt have cared less about me marrying her son. no. what dawned upon me was that she, in fact, really wanted to marry my mom.

i mean, obviously my mom is married. betty is married. my mom is definitely a closet fag hag, but she also most definitely does not like women. my mother is a very very classy woman, is always put together, very generous, excellent taste in everything. women like betty are drawn to these qualities in a woman. however, a state of union between them is clearly impossible. which is why she turned to me and her son, because hey, if you can't be wives with each other, you might as well be inlaws!

with that, i felt a rush of warm affinity for her son. he was not an uptight, sanctified Jesus freak! he was simply a pawn in his mother's vast conspiracy to gain my mother for her personal satiation! as was i! with that, i sipped my hot chocolate and smiled sweetly at betty. "i hope your son finds True Love, auntie."