on saturday morning, 0530, aileen, aliana, anna, diana, jane, qiong si, sean (see-anne), victor and brian meet up at shanghai's long distance bus stop. from that moment on, everything that could go wrong, pretty much goes wrong.
first, jane almost doesn't make it because her skandalouz (tupac ft. snoop doggy dog) ass had been up all night doing chi knows what. she makes the bus with seconds to spare. meanwhile, brian has to take the 8-hr bus ride all by himself because our bus is out of seats.
we are relieved to be all accounted for, but little do we know that the adventure is just beginning.
the bus ride is said to be around an ass-busting 6 hours long. most of us come prepared for this, armed with ample supplies of oreos, chips, wine gummies, crackers, water, soda, fruit juice, berries, bananas, apples, oranges, books, ipods, beef jerky. except for jane, who had shown up with nothing but her ipod, because, again, she is skandalouz (tupac ft. snoop doggy dog). what we are not prepared for, however, is the bus - which besides having extremely poor ventilation and no shock absorption to speak of - stops about twenty times along the way to anhui province to pick up passengers. at first this confuses us, because as far as we can tell, the bus seats are all full. this only served to prove us naive in the ways of the china. plastic stools are distributed along the walkway and the center aisle fills up with folks shouting on their cellphones, screaming midgets, and swinging bags that miss our heads by mere inches. as the remaining airspace becomes occupied, we are horrified to see a trashcan passed forward to a mother who holds a screaming midget in her hand.
"no..." sean begins, "she's not really going to-" the baby shit hits the trashcan.
after a harrowing 8 hours, we arrive at a township in anhui. we are overjoyed to be off the bus, despite the sweltering weather. then we realize are in the wrong village. "it's an hour away," says a man. "i'll take you guys there for 250 rmb." we bargain down to 200 rmb and the 8 of us and our backpacks pile into the 6-person minivan. it is very hot.
much toil later, we arrive in tunxi, where our hostel is located. it is here we encounter the only pleasant surprise of our entire journey: the koala hostel.
the disasters progress from there. by this time it's too late to go to any of the neighboring towns, so we decide to explore the one we're staying in.
our first glimpse of the old town street. read: touristy.
but i did make a new friend.
jeepers creepers, victor's peepers!! chipperest chap in the forest!
after all this, we return to the hostel dirty, sweaty and exhausted. to make myself feel better, i take a shower. towards the end of my (hot water + high water pressure) fabulous shower, i hear jane screaming at me from outside.
"YOU'RE FLOODING THE ROOM!!!"
i quickly turn the water off and open the shower door. "what?"
about an inch of water is covering the floor between the shower room and our room door, and has flowed into the hallway. "MY BAG IS WET!!!" ali screams. "HOW THE HELL DID YOU FLOOD THE DAMN ROOM!!!" jane screams.
"HOW DID GUYS NOT NOTICE IT WAS FLOODING!!" i scream back.
in the morning, we wake up at 4 am to torrential rainfall. i hope that this means we are not climbing the mountain, but two hours later we are standing at the foot of huangshan. magical wonders that you behold when you enter!
the weather is worse than we had imagined, and our runners are bound to get wet. as a precautionary measure, we buy rubber smurf-shoes. thus, our journey begins.
while we were complaining about our ten pound backpacks, these guys are hauling up tons of shit the old school way. gangster!
the stairs are treacherous and slippery from the morning rain, and we struggle along, taking intermittent breaks overlooking valleys filled with fog and lush flora. unfortunately, the combined forces of mosquitoes, humidity, endless stairs and burning thighs sort of detracted from the awe-inspiring enormity of the mountains. also, natural rock formations such as this also threw a damper on geological majesty:
I give you...le cock de rock
replenishing lost energy the only way we knew how
my fave:
who will be the first to race off the cliff??
sean's idea of hell is an endless flight of stairs
after eight hours of racing up stairs and maneuvering around noisy tour groups, our thighs are strong enough to crack walnuts. coincidentally, we also arrive at the peak around this time. we discover that we are very sticky, and our strong thighs shake uncontrollably as we try to sit down.
someone (i think it was jane) had the bright idea to pitch a tent (pun intended) on the peak of the mountain (insert sexual reference here), thinking that we could wake up bright and early at the asscrack of dawn to watch the glorious people's republic sun rise over the horizon of the triumphant orient! when we arrive at the tenting site, it becomes apparent that the campsite is in fact three cramped rows of dingy tents that have clearly never been aired out. the facilities offer us some dirty blankets and a few army-issue coats as part of the package. anna bravely sticks her head into the tent and jumps back out immediately. "it smells like shit!" QS fishes out an empty bag of chips and a dirty tissue with a look of ultimate disgust.
i unzip me, jane and aileen's tent. "smells like armpit," i remark. "don't worry it'll be worth it to see the sun rise. it's supposed to be amazing," jane says, by way of amelioration.
we head to the hotel cafe for some hot drinks and sanity, stopping by the entrance to ask a concierge what time the sunrise will be. "sun rises at 5:06 am. you have a 30% chance of seeing the sunrise." "30%!!!!!!" we scream. "fuck yooooooouuuu!!!!!"
after a delicious meal of instant noodles and a terrific shower - and by shower i mean we wiped ourselves down with napkins in the hotel bathroom - we return to the tents. the tent area manager asks, "are you guys here to see the sunrise?" we affirm this. "not a chance! there'll be no sunrise tomorrow!"
deeply in denial, we set our alarms to 4:30 anyway, and crawl into our respective gas pits to sleep. it is raining quite hard as we drift off. "maybe it'll stop by morning," aileen mumbles.
we wake up in the morning to torrential downpour of biblical proportions. of course, climbing down the mountain is still an option - if we do not fear broke teef and cracked skulls. as it is, we decide to battle the tourist crowds to take the trams back down. after all, we had already scaled three peaks with massive backpacks. what do we have to prove?
made a phonecall under sean's poncho so her phone could stay dry, but i think a few people got the wrong idea...the raingear causes everyone to look like a strange cross between the KKK and giant condoms. seen from below, an endless procession of yellow condom creatures ascend the mountain in the mad rush for the tram to go down the mountain.
once we come down the mountain, there is momentary debate. to go back to the hostel and wait in comfort and dry clothes for the bus, or to go to a neighboring township and be soaked while continuing our pursuit of tourism? the camp now becomes split. ali, jane, victor, sean and i decide to go to hongcun, while the rest return to the hotel. they would prove to be the wise ones.
the bus ride there is as crowded as the first bus, and the bus seats look as though the dead skin cells of ten thousand passengers have settled on the surface. delicious!
eventually (this after more pouring rain, haggling with a cab driver with halitosis that could decimate an entire chinese village, and a bathroom to satisfy your most perverted scat fantasies) we reach the city of hongcun, a most lovely little town that was designed to resemble the intestines of a cow. however, by this time the rain is pouring down so fast and furious my camera was starting to blur from water in the lens.
eventually (this after more pouring rain, haggling with a cab driver with halitosis that could decimate an entire chinese village, and a bathroom to satisfy your most perverted scat fantasies) we reach the city of hongcun, a most lovely little town that was designed to resemble the intestines of a cow. however, by this time the rain is pouring down so fast and furious my camera was starting to blur from water in the lens.
cheerful despite the elements
we were working the creepy angle on this one
this is the stomach of the cow!
la familia
hundreds of these quaint little alleys...almost makes you wish for the days of no plumbing and no electricity...
finally finally, we concede defeat and haggle with mr. dragon breath driver to take us back to our hostel, sean sitting shotgun where she breathes out of her mouth for an hour, and the rest of us four crammed in the back in all our glorious soppiness. the only thing that sustains us is the thought of dry clothes and hot showers waiting at the other end.
upon returning to the hotel, ali and i are so excited we immediate sprint for the shower (for which we had to pay 10 kuai) after agreeing to shower together in our bikinis (yes, we brought bikinis...don't ask why). but bad fortune had not finished dealing her hand yet. there is no hot water.
but it's still better to be cold and clean than dirty and warm, so here we are, waiting for the bus to take us back to civilization. i have a book, some hot soup and dry clothes. the horror of the weekend rapidly fades away....
